Devil May Cry OOC
by The Joe and Gromit Show
Summary: Gromit; Mundus has a plan; to destroy Dante, son of Sparda once and for all. How will Dante survive when he must live through all the terrible fanfiction ideas in reality? How will he cope with his hundred long-lost siblings and suddenly gay brother?3 up
1. Chapter 1

_A figure pushes his hands through the dirt, and drags his head out from under the earth. Lightning strikes._

_Gromit: I'm alive!_

_________________________________________________________________________

Mundus, Prince of Darkness, lay broken and bleeding upon the stone floor. He shivered and coughed, but the pain was too great for his to move. A deep hatred rose up inside him, a boiling mass of rage that threatened to master him if he could not think of something, anything, that would help his predicament. A small Blade sidled up to him, its scaly skin reflecting the dull red of its master's eyes.

"What are your orderssss massster?" it hissed carefully, not looking the great demon in the eyes.

Mundus sighed. He was going to die, and he knew it. The damage was too great, and he was not strong enough to heal by himself. The demon hunter had won.

Sparda, had thwarted him again!

Mundus roared, causing the blade to leap back in terror;

"**Find the devil hunter**_" _he screamed "**Kill him, do not stop until he is nothing more than ****cinders**** and ****ash**"

"Well we did... Eh... Try that sssir" the Blade pointed out reasonably.

""**Shut up!**" shouted Mundus. Suddenly his mind began too race, the one thing that might be his salvation. Surely he had a plan B? A plan that would be put into action if he failed. He never expected to fail, but just in case.

But of course, he did have a plan B, the plan to ruin the Devil Hunters life for ever, even if he would not be around to see it.

"**Bring me the three!**" he growled "**Fo,** **Retcarahc, and Tou**"

"But masssster we do not know what havoc they will reap upon the earth!" the servant hissed in fright. He was afraid of Mundus. But if the Three came to power....

"Asss you wish" it said, seeming displeased.

Minutes later, the blade was returning leading three creatures by the neck. They were bound together by heavy chains. Other demons were holding ropes bound to the creature's arms, hoping that they could restrain them. But the demons looked slightly helpless.

One of the creatures took the form of a pale, obese woman. Her head looked down at her bare feet which were metre long and lumpy, with black nails. Her fat head was huge, and a thick curtain of black hair with red and purple highlights hid most of her face, which was white, save for the dark circles around her eyes and mouth, from which protruded two sharp canines. She wore a skin tight black t-shirt that hugged her shapeless stomach, which descended to a point to somewhere around her knees. Her black trousers were torn, for she had tried to force her legs into a pair ten sizes too small. Black fish-nets grew out of welts in her flesh, becoming trapped on everything in the near vicinity. The creatures name was "Retcarahc", bearer of sadness and drainer of hope.

The smallest of the creatures was Tuo, also female as thin as a stick. Her skin was slightly pink, and her hair was long and blond, but seemed not to be made out of individual hairs so much as comprised of slippery ropes. Her sapphire eyes were the most unsettling thing about her. They were far too big to be on any normal face, but hers was round to accommodate them. Strangely, her nose and mouth were tiny in proportion to the rest of her features. Her shirt was white as was the knee high socks, but her small skirt was red, as was the scarf around her neck. Her shoes were red too; they seemed to be more suited as slippers. Though she seemed smallest and weakest, she was the one that the demons feared above all. Tuo, bearer of chaos and mindlessness.

The last creature took the form of a teenage boy, with ginger hair and a spattering of freckles. His eyes were red, and his mouth was curved in a cocky sneer. His shoulders were overly muscular, as though he dined every day on steroids and exercise equipment. He wore an open brown leather coat, but no shirt, revealing his eight pack abs, with a Chinese dragon tattooed across it. His green trousers were coated in pockets, and a huge sword hung from his back. His teeth around his head and tangled in his hair were his headgear, connected by thick steel cables too his braces settled on his uneven, tombstone teeth. Fo, bearer of rage and battle.

Mundus stared at them for a moment, then said;

"**My servants." **

They glanced up at him now, each of them displeased at being called servants. Fo, in particular, looked somewhat murderous.

"**I have a favour to ask of you**"

This time they looked interested.

"**Since you were created, I believed you were a terrible mistake"** he rumbled "**I believed no one should have such power. The weapons I create had become too effective, for the chaos you would unleash would surely be my undoing. But my time is over. And this world shall end with me"**

He looked them all in the eye before saying finally;

"**You must find Dante Sparda and ruin him"**

"Why not just KILL him," growled Fo, pulling his sword from his back and waving it around energetically. He swished the blade down effortlessly killing roughly eight demons at once with his amazing skill. He didn't even break a sweat.

Mundus growled to himself and said grumpily;

"**Calm down Fo, we're all **_**very**_** impressed,"** said Mundus sarcastically. "**No, we need to ruin his world if we are to be successful,"** he glanced at Tuo and intones; "**Tuo, you go first. Turn his world upside down, cause chaos in his life, as many things as you can think of"**

She nodded once, smiled happily and let loose an affirmative squeak causing all the demons to flinch. She scampered up the walls, and disappeared.

"**You two"** Mundus said to the remaining creatures "**Prepare your minions for battle**"

The other two left, and started their work. In their workshops, they created their masterpieces. Creatures that could not be stopped, that was perfect in every way. More than a match for Dante.

Mundus grinned. Tuo would create awful situations for Dante. People would act strangely around him, and he himself would be so confused that he would not know what to do when the demon's minions struck.

He threw back his head and laughed, the deep rumbling roar echoed throughout the entire underworld.

Dante's life was about to become a really bad fanfic.

* * *

_Its short, but its just to get the idea across. More soon._

_Meow,_

_Gromit._


	2. Chapter 2

_Gromit; Yeah, well I was going to wait until the story had been up for a while, you know, to get maximum reviews. But I got some really nice reviews, so now I'm Really excited about the story! I figure I'll post this up sooner._

_Hope yis enjoy!_

Dante- son of Sparda, one of the greatest demon-hunters the world had ever known- was drooling heavily.

He lay sprawled upon his mattress, tangled in the sheets, limbs wrapped around him. His hair stuck up in a rather improbable yet fascinating way, it seemed inevitable that he was going to have a _very_ bad hair day.

His eyes were gummed together with a heap of sludge-like-sleep.

The mattress itself was strangely tipped off the side of the bed, one half upon the base, the other tipped toward the floor. Dante had obviously got up to some serious sleepage last night.

Dante stank of whiskey and beer. He wore only stained grey tank-top and red boxers. Dante was at peace.

But not for long.

The doorbell buzzed for a few seconds, causing Dante to go from a deep sleep, to a deeper sleep. His brain was obviously trying its best to protect him from the waking world.

The doorbell buzzed again, more insistently. Dante jerked up, muttered, "I don't even _like_ the taste of squirrels" then toppled backward into dreamland.

The doorbell rang again.

Dante, becoming conscious for a second smashed his alarm clock in the hope that it would stop the annoying din. But it did not.

He sat up blearily, and attempted to get out of bed, which involved him pulling the covers over his own head and moaning. He thrashed around, as though trying to strike every inch of the air with his four limbs simultaneously.

"Fine!" he screeched, tumbling from his bed and trying to leave his bedroom. He pulled a wooden door and stepped through. Seconds later, he reappeared from the wardrobe, muttering to himself in a suspicious way. "Just a second!" he bellowed.

He barged through his door, and forced open the bathroom door, slamming it behind him.

Seconds later he reappeared, freshly shaven hair washed and perfectly presented, a clean red leather coat slung casually over his shoulders. Ironed brown combat pants covered his legs, their ends tumbling into his black boots. Dante spun toward a mirror, and grinned, causing the light to reflect painfully bright form his teeth.

"I look _good_" exclaimed Dante nonchalantly. And indeed he did. Anyone who said he didn't was either lying or jealous.

Dante thundered down the stairs, paused, ran up the stairs, slid down the banister and darted toward his front door.

"Whats the password?" he bellowed. There was a small pause.

"I don't know" came the careful reply.

Dante considered this for a moment.

"Close enough" he announced "Just a sec-," he flung open the door.

There, on his doorstep looking cold, small and pathetic was Nero.

"I was woken up at one o clock in the afternoon for _this?!"_ said Dante indignantly.

"Listen man" said Nero quietly "My house was attacked by demons. I don't know where they came from, but they were too strong. They burned it down and almost killed me. They killed Kyrie too. She was pregnant."

"Hah!- That's _terrible_" said Dante sympathetically. He glanced at Nero suspiciously.

"What are you doing here?" Dante queried.

"I need a place to stay" Nero muttered.

Dante's eyes widened.

"Well why didn't you _say_ so!" he exclaimed "I wouldn't let you hang around in the streets"

Nero began to step up the steps, before he realised Dante was pointing over his shoulder.

"If you go down there and take your first left, you'll see a neon sign, for "Love Planet". Now the rates are fairly high, but if you sleep with some of the ugly ones, it should be cheaper."

"I don't have any money" Nero said miserably.

"Oh," said Dante "Well there's a homeless shelter two blocks awa-"

"Can I stay at your place?" Nero cut across.

Dante chewed his lip.

"Well, now that you've said that, I'm going to look like an asshole if I say no won't I?"

Nero nodded.

"Fine!" Dante grumbled, "Just try not to be _too_ staying at my place, ok?"

Nero nodded, figuring that this was the easiest way of doing things.

"So how did you get away from the island and find my shop anyway?" Dante called from the kitchen.

"I... That's... Never mind that now." said Nero uncomfortably.

"Yeah," agreed Dante "It'll probably be really boring."

He reappeared with two bottles of beer,

"Wanna watch the game?" he asked, sitting happily down on the couch.

"Sure!" said Nero reaching for one of the beers. Dante tugged it away, before downing them both.

"**No!**" Dante said critically "That's a **bad** Nero. No! See? **Bad**!"

Nero glanced at Dante, and felt something deep inside him erupt. Something he had not felt since...

"What?" said Dante looking suspiciously at Nero with those sapphire eyes. "What's up?"

Nero kissed him.

Dante shrieked in genuine terror, scrambling backward falling from the couch with a crash.

"What the FUCK man!" he screamed.

"I- I thought" Nero stuttered.

Dante flung a beer bottle at him, which bounced impressively off his head, causing Nero to howl with pain and fall to the floor.

"Jesus!" Dante spluttered attempting to scrape the Nero cooties from his tongue with rebellion. He drew Ivory from its holster and fired it at the just rising Nero, smashing into his shoulder. He tumbled backward onto a coffee table, which broke, sending Nero crashing into the floor.

"Ugh!" Dante spat "Dude get out before I kill you!"

"Dante its ok!" Nero wailed "It's called Slash, and it's very acceptable in modern soc-"

"I don't care about society!" bellowed Dante "That is just too _out of character_ for me! You know how many crappy out of character stories there are out there?"

There was a terrific crash from somewhere nearby as the fourth wall shattered.

"But, but" stammered Nero. Dante seized him by his blue coat, dragged him toward the door, and tossed him outside before Gromit could run out of similes for stuttered.

But there were other people standing on the doorstep. Several attractive looking women were hanging around outside.

Dante brushed himself off.

"Welcome ladies!" he exclaimed "Now who might you fine women be?"

"We're your long lost sisters" said one that appeared to be a devil hunter.

"Wha- All of you?" he gasped.

"Well, yeah, the need for a female protagonist is high." another said, this one looking more pathetic, but, Dante reminded himself in irritation, probably had a really good singing voice.

"Christ!" Dante muttered, as his eight until now unknown siblings filed past him into the house.

"What the hell is going on?!" he asked himself.

Tuo smiled from her rooftop perch. Already her twisted mind had caused the devil hunter to become confused. She turned her head to the side, watching Dante returning inside the shop.

"What fun!" she thought.

Little did Dante now that his life was about to get.....

T-rated.


	3. Chapter 3

_Gromit; Sorry if this is really bad, I can't find anyone to read it before I post it. Hope yis enjoy. All hate-mail to the usual address._

_Oh and I'm having difficutly with the spelling Vergil's name. My Pc wants to change it to Virgil. And I've had to change it to Virgil so many times it doesn't sound like a word anymore in my head. I don't really know whats right so.... Yeah sorry if I use a few variations, I'm trying to get it by trial and error._

* * *

Dante pulled open the door for the fourth time that day. This time, there were roughly sixteen of his sisters hanging around outside. Dante ushered them in, clutching a clip-board in his hands.

"Now" he said to the first one "Are you the devil hunter or vampire hunter sister?"

"Vampire" she responded.

"Well, then, you'll want to go to cellar section B2" he said, scribbling on the clipboard. She passed through, looking slightly grumpy and confused.

"Next!" Dante exclaimed.

"Joanna Phoenix Marianna S-" she began.

"The 'Damsel-in-distress-with-stupidly-long-name' type" Dante muttered, writing furiously on his paper. "You'll be in sector C4, follow the green lines, and then follow the signs; third door on your right, you can't miss it"

"What?" she spluttered "But why can't I stay up in the-"

"We're related, there won't be any sexual tension" Dante said distractedly. "If you want a half devil protagonist, you may as well just make up a back story. Most of these people's writers are too lazy."

"Why not?" said yet another sister huskily.

"Oh..." Dante said knowledgably "You're one of those incest types. Follow me please" He led her into the shop, and down the cellar steps.

"We don't get many of you types." Dante said conversationally "So we bunch all the gross stuff together, you know sadists, weird ones, really annoying Mary Sue's."

He passed several doorways, before arriving at sector R5.

"This is you" Dante said pulling a large stick from its holder in the wall. "Get in"

"But I don't want to-!" the sister began.

"No!" said Dante sternly "In!" He prodded her painfully with the stick.

"I don't belong here!" she grumbled as he backed her through the doorway.

"Incest is gross, and can lead to several severe difficulties, including birth defects and a weaker immune system for any babies born of the relationship. They may acquire two sets of genes that make them more susceptible to certain diseases including haemophilia. This is not taking into account the social problems such a child might have with its peers," said Dante.

"What about _twincest!_" exclaimed Dante's brother, popping his head round the door.

"Goddammit Vergil!" Dante shrieked, battering Vergil in the face with the stick, and jabbing him out of sight once more. He slammed the door shut.

"Jesus!" Dante gasped "I don't know how much more of this I can take!" He trotted back up the stairs, and sat himself down at the desk, placing his feet up on the desk.

He sighed gently, and began to dose.

* * *

Upon a hill, overlooking the city stood was a man wearing a long blue trench coat. A samurai hung at his belt, and he was resting his hands on the grip. His icy eyes surveyed the scene with a cool, calculating glare. His hair, platinum in colour, was eloquently spiked, and was not buffeted by the strong breeze.

Vergil sighed, and closed his eyes.

There was a small crack behind him, and he spun drawing yamato. He pointed it at the newcomer's throat. It was his brother, Dante.

"You," Vergil stated bleakly, looking back at the city.

"What, no hug?" grinned Dante, walking up beside him Dante looked at him in the eyes, and said simply "Can you feel it?"

Vergil nodded.

"I've been up here all day thinking. There is a new power at work here. More mighty than either of us has faced before"

Dante glanced at the city.

"I think its destiny that we are here. We're meant to face this together." He breathed.

"Perhaps we are" he stated dryly.

Taking this for assent Dante reached out, and took hold of Vergil's hand.

Vergil looked at him questioningly.

"What are y-" he began.

Dante stared at him, and then whispered "Together..."

Vergil drew yamato again, and slashed at Dante throat. Dante didn't see it coming, and felt the blade cut through his neck, slicing the larynx and several major blood vessels.

"Foolishness Dante," Vergil hissed "Foolishness... You should know my sexual preference by now."

Dante spluttered and choked, keeling over too lie in the grass, blood squirting in a lively manner from his ragged throat.

Vergil glanced at him cautiously.

"No transformation?" he asked "No amusing comment?"

Dante did nothing but role over.

"So," Vergil growled "You don't seem like Dante at all. An impostor?"

Vergil seized Dante by the scruff of his neck, and attempted to pull him to his feet. But Dante suddenly disintegrated into thousands of letters which blew away in the breeze.

Vergil stared in amazement, having never seen anything like this in his life. He paused, closing his eyes and listening to his surroundings.

Something was seriously wrong here. And if had taken this long for Vergil to work it out, then Dante was obviously still oblivious.

He set out for Devil May Cry.

* * *

Dante awoke with a start. Yet another person was battering at the door. He yawned openly, and then yelled;

"Who is it!?"

There was a small pause. Then, a female voice resounded from outside.

"I'm Lady, now open the goddamn door!"

Dante jumped from his seat and marched towards the door. Then he stopped.

"You're not here because you suddenly find me attractive despite three years of general hatred, are you?" he enquired.

"That's- I'm... Not... Just open the door!"

"No!" said Dante backing away "Lucia and Trish tried that number on me two hours ago, take a hike,"

He heard a few swearwords, before the sound of a motorcycle roaring off into the night. He turned back to his desk, but again there was a knock at the door.

"Lady, I swear, I'm going to call the cops if..." Dante began, glaring through the peephole. Then he saw Vergil, standing patiently on the door step.

"What the hell!?" Dante exclaimed, knocking the latches back on his door. "Vergil, how did you get out of the cellar? I thought I told you that we don't allow your kind outside,"

He pulled the door open. Vergil opened his mouth to speak, but then, a sword was thrust into his stomach from behind. He gasped, and then keeled over backward, blood pumping from his chest.

Behind him, stood Vergil.

Dante tipped his head slightly to the side, contemplating this new and unwelcome phenomenon.

"Brother, exactly what is going on?" he enquired.

"There's not much time." Vergil growled "Let me in, they might already be here."

"How do I know you're the real Vergil?" Dante asked suspiciously.

"I hate you and I'll kill you if you don't get out of the way." Vergil replied.

Dante said nothing, standing back so as to allow his brother over the threshold.

When both of them were seated, Dante spoke.

"What the hell is happening?" he queried.

Vergil sighed and began;

"While Mundus was planning to open the gate on Mallet Island, he created new demons that would help him to take over the planet. He gave these demons the power of creation. They also could create demons, but the original three were not grounded by logic as Mundus was. Mundus saw his mistake, for eventually these creatures might rebel against him, and bring him down. So he locked them away. Now though, he is dying, and cares nothing for this world or his. While his servants were running around, I escaped, but I have learned much about them from a blade I interrogated on my way. The three are called Tuo, Fo and Retcarahc. Tou is already here. She is responsible for the impostor here tonight. She hopes to distract you until she and the other's can bring their own demons into play,"

"Wow," said Dante "So that Virgil down there isn't you at all"

"Down where?" Vergil asked.

"Oh, I keep 'em in the cellar" Dante responded conversationally "There are tons of them. Our sisters Vergil, mom and dad must still be alive and have been doing it for years 'cause we've got about a hundred of them down there,"

"You let them in?!" Vergil yelped "Dante they're all probably Tuo's minions! We have to get out of here before the go feral!"

There was a terrific crash the cellar door was kicked open from inside, and seconds later, attractive siblings began flooding into the room.

Dante drew rebellion, and directed it at them.

"They've gone feral," he stated glumly.

* * *

_Reviews always welcome! _

_Cheers._


	4. Chapter 4

_Gromit; Yeah this ones been a while. So, people Have been saying I need too slow down a bit, but I just got really excited, you know, all these ideas coming into my head, I wanted to get them down before they stopped seeming funny. Ever happen to yis? Meh. But yeah, I'm going to slow it down, you know, try and add a bit more drama-_

Dante awoke and yawned. "What a weird dream" he muttered. The End.

_Not really but eh... Here we go._

Dante rushed forward; slightly stiff from the long pause it had taken Gromit to update. He met the first sister halfway across the room, swinging Rebellion back over his shoulder as though too strike with the blade, but instead brought up his bent elbow under her chin.

There was an agonising _click_ as her teeth snapped together, her jaw snapping into fragments under the pulped skin. This distracted her long enough for him to bring rebellion back at her throat, almost severing her head from her shoulders.

He smashed her stomach with the base of the sword, sending her tumbling back into her comrades.

The next was dispatched with a swift uppercut. Before she could tumble to the floor, a summoned sword from Vergil pinned her to the roof, as he rushed into their midst, Yamato drawn in front of him.

The Brothers were fighting side by side again.

"Vergil?" Dante queried, flinching as a sister attempted to knee him in the crotch.

"Yes?" Vergil hissed, darting away from a clumsily swung blade.

"If these characters are so fantastic, then why are they such crap fighters?"

"These characters are weak Dante," Vergil sighed "The less thought that goes into them, the more flawed they really are. Look at us. We have a good back story, we are strong characters, and so become physically strong."

"Of course" said Dante, giving his chin a quick thoughtful stroke, before giving a sister a good, old, plain stab in the stomach.

She crashed to the floor, blood slithering freely out of her mouth.

"Wow," said Dante, "This _is_ a change. Kinda disgusting though. I preferred the humour part."

Vergil slashed at another sister's head, cutting her jaw from her face with a single swipe, causing it to spin away, spraying blood from the joints, chipped bone flew from her ruined mouth and teeth pinged with a musical precision against the floor. The blade cut neatly through her tongue, cutting vein and artery-

"Gross" Dante muttered.

Alike as Vergil finished the move, by neatly jabbing through her ribs, piercing her heart and lung, which caused her to begin to suffocate as fluids swelled within the vital organs-

"Ew"

Causing them to inflate and burst-

"Taking it a bit far"

He then turned to his next opponent, jabbing his hand into her stomach and-

"Ok that's enough. You're not twelve"

_But I-_

"No buts. Go on, write the story. No gore until the next chapter."

_The next chapter? That's ages away._

Dante dispatched the final sister with a simple gunshot to the head, and the bodies mysteriously vanished, never to be mentioned again. Gromit was clearly getting bored.

"I don't know Vergil" Dante said, sounding unconvinced. "This still sounds a bit mad,"

"Dante, this is no time for argument, we have to destroy Tuo before-"

"Before what?" Dante interrupted "If we stay here, can't we defend ourselves form Tuo's minions? Devil May Cry could be the last bastion of hope for those fleeing her dreaded nonsense. Surely, if we keep guard-" he pushed open the kitchen door, talking to his twin over his shoulder;

"Then we can prevent her effects from entering this-"

Dante stopped dead.

There on the kitchen table, were Agni and Rudra, his twin swords.

"Oh yes," Agni crooned "You jam your blade into my mouth..."

Rudra closed his eyes as he swayed forward, making a dull groaning noise.

"Yes indeed brother that's the spot," Rudra rumbled.

Dante's eyes widened in absolute terror.

"AAAAAAARGH!" he bellowed.

Agni and Rudra seemed to come out of their reverie, and glanced at each other. Their faces fell.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screeched Rudra.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" howled Dante.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Agni.

Agni tumbled from the table, as the three continued to shout in each other's faces. After about five minutes, Dante turned to Vergil with a wretched look on his features.

"Ok," he gasped "We kill Tuo,"

Vergil looked at him

"You know Dante; this is going to be difficult. Possibly the most difficult thing we've ever done. We'll need to prepare ourselves. You bringing some devil arms?"

"Yeah but which ones?" Dante muttered "Can't take 'em all, they'll be too heavy"

"You've already had a fight with the author of the story, who had had two swords having sex to prove a point. Do you think anyone cares about physics anymore?"

"Good point" Dante agreed, magically distributing his weapons among his pockets, apart from rebellion, which he somehow stuck to his back.

"Can I leave Agni and Rudra here?" he asked.

Vergil rolled his eyes "You'd better not. No doubt the author wants them for some ridiculous sub-plot, in which they become the most important thing in the story, saving all our lives,"

"True," Dante agreed, stuffing them into his pockets as the two left the kitchen, and marched down the hall.

"So where do we find this Tuo?" Dante queried, as he and Vergil trotted out the door.

"If we're lucky, she should be close enough by, so she can see what sort of havoc she's reaping,"

"And if were unlucky?" Dante asked, staring at the full moon that was casting a mystical silver shadow on everything beneath the navy sky.

"We'll be gang raped, killed and eaten by a pack of whales"

"I meant with finding Tuo"

"Oh," Vergil said distractedly "Then she might be difficult to find"

"Ah,"

"Hey Vergil,"

"Yeah?"

"Knock knock,"

"No."

"Come on,"

"Who's there?"

"Cliff-hanger"

"Cliff-hanger who?"

_Well. That wasn't very good, but I've some good stuff planned if you can bare the wait! Bair the wait? Bear the wait? Ugh. _

_Enjoy yerselves._

_GromitMcHugh._


End file.
